As the Lorax speaks for the Trees,( From Dr. Seuss),  I speak today for the

OUIS! (En Francais:  YES)

Yes, I speak for the Yes’s that we humans can speak and frequently do not.

Neuro-scientists have shown that hearing a
YES,

actually creates a sense of well-being in a person and hearing a

NO,

has the opposite effect.   Today’s blog is not about the neuroscience behind this however.  For more information about this, please see Dr. Daniel Siegel; an MD that specializes in the neuroscience of relationships and much more.

For Today, I speak for the YES and for the need for humans to start responding with a Yes, when at all possible, and when they can’t say YES, rather than saying NO, or ignoring and not responding, I invite humans to be willing to respond from their heart and mind together. I am inviting humans to RSVP (again En Francais: Respondez-vous S’il vous plait).

It is so very simple and I am sad to say that most humans do not respond and when they do, they frequently say NO. There is a sense of a false power, when we can say NO. Think the power a 2-year-old feels, when the child can say NO and therefore can begin to feel a sense of their own individuality. This is absolutely necessary. Alas, I am not speaking about 2-year-olds. I am speaking about adult humans.

I have gone through some major changes in my life during the last 5 years. Though, I am still walking through a difficult transition phase but now see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am looking back at what would have been helpful, most helpful, for me during this time, and then offering  this information to all people with ears to hear what I am saying.

I have  experienced a lot of  rejection or being ignored by so many people whom I thought cared about me that it was a rude awakening.

I was rejected or ignored by so many people because they did not know what to say. I have been spectacularly ignored by friends, family, many ministerial and work colleagues and of course I have been ignored by professionals that I don’t know but sent an inquiry for a phone session to ask about doing a workshop for them, or just a quick conversation, etc., etc. etc.

One person told me he did not know how I could deal with so much rejection and being ignored without falling into despair. The answer to this is that I have done so much inner work that I was able to feel the pain and then not take the rejection personally. I was able to know that their unwillingness to respond is about their own issues in most cases.

So, today’s blog is about what to say when someone is going through a challenging time or if someone asks a question or makes a statement or asks for some time with you.

Now certainly, if you can say Yes, by all means do this.

But we can’t always say yes, but we can respond. In the last part of the article, I will suggest a wonderful way to respond using an advanced communication technique.

So many people tell me they don’t know what to say when someone asks them something or makes a statement that they don’t agree with, and so they just say nothing.

THIS IS A WRONG ACTION. THIS IS A WRONG ACTION!

THIS IS A WRONG ACTION!

Saying nothing or ignoring someone is an action we are choosing.

 

So, what to do? Well first, know this, the following statements are, in most cases not the right thing to say:

 

IN RESPONSE TO SOMEONE SAYING THEY ARE SCARED:

“Well, you know this is what I did and I would highly suggest you do this”.

 

IN RESPONE TO SOMEONE SAYING THEY ARE MAD AT YOU ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DID:

“Well, this is no different than what you did to me last year and when you did that I was so upset that I did not know how to be around you and what you did was much worse and you know Jennifer agrees with me and I really do not know how your children can deal with you, and…………and…………and………..”

 

IN RESPONSE TO SOMEONE SAYING THEY ARE SAD ABOUT THE PASSING OF THEIR DOG:

My neighbor’s dog just had puppies, they are so cute and they even look like the one you just lost and you know, get another dog and everything will be fine………………………………………….”.

 

IN RESPONE TO SOMEONE SAYING THEY LOST THEIR JOB:

“You are so smart, it is their loss, you can get another job, in fact, I think you should change careers anyway, and well, don’t feel bad, just keep busy looking for that much better job”

IN RESPONSE TO SOMEONE SAYING THEY JUST CAN’T GET OVER THE PAIN OF THE BREAK UP OF THEIR MARRIAGE:

“You are so much better than him or her…………….it is his or her loss, I never liked him or her anyway, there are so many fish in the sea and you are so pretty/ handsome that you will have your pick, and I have heard great things about Match, or E-harmony, or Zoosk,……………”

 

IN RESPONSE TO SOMEONE ASKING YOU TO DO SOMETHING:

“____________________________________”(Nothing said).

 

IN RESPONSE TO SOMEONE MAKING A POLITICAL STATEMENT YOU DON’T AGREE WITH:

“__________________________________________”(Nothing said).

For this, you can say, “well, I don’t agree and I think we should avoid the discussion of politics at this time.”

 

IN REPSONSE TO SOMEONE ASKING YOU TO TELL THEM WHY THEY HURT YOU:

“I just don’t know what to say”.

Typically, the person does know what to say, but they are conflict-phobic OR have learned to not say anything that the other might not like.

 

****************************************************

So, what to say or how to respond.

I suggest that if we are tongue tied or don’t know what to say or how to say it, that we use the FEEDBACK WHEEL.

This technique has been around for a long time and many nationally famous Relationship experts claim it as their own and I do not know who originated it but the people who say they did most likely did not.

Here it is:

Advanced Communication using the Feedback Wheel

Besides being simple enough to remember, it’s a model that empowers its user to take responsibility for his/her actions, thoughts, and emotions and ask for what he/she needs {one of THE most important things to learn in relationships}. It also helps one stay on track and on topic, no matter to whom they are speaking.

The Feedback Wheel includes four steps:

  1. What you saw or heard about the event in question.
  2. What your perception is about the situation.
  3. How you feel about it.
  4. What you would like to have happen in the future.

 

I could write four blogs on each step, and for today, I am just posting this. I love this tool. I use it every day. Knowing I have this tool mastered, I am confident wherever I go because I know what to say and how to say it. The key is to connect with your truth, set good boundaries and speak from the “I”, and then be willing to listen to the other from the “I”.

I do communication workshops and this tool, and its presentation takes at least 25% of the time in the workshop. Please call me if you would like me to do this workshop for your group. I am chomping at the bit, to take this to the world, so we humans can learn how to RSVP and to say “Oui”, when we can.