WHAT KILLS RELATIONSHIPS? SILENCE
Yes, of course, there are many other things that harm or kill relationships but ignoring someone or choosing to not respond is a major relationship killer.
Lately, I have heard many people say: “Well I am choosing to just ignore their drama”. I always have a visceral response to this. I almost feel as if I have been “gut-punched”.
Often what we may think of as “drama” is a person who is in pain and their pain may be stimulated by something the “ignorer” has done or not done.
And, many people who profess to be “spiritual” are the biggest ignorers of someone’s pain. (This topic is for another blog called “Fake Spirituality”)
John Gottman, Ph.D., and World-renowned relationship theorist tells us that humans are constantly doing “bids for attention”. This is how we connect. When a parent tells me, “They are doing that for attention”, I try my best to breathe in and then kindly and professionally say: “Yes, children and all humans need attention”.
Actually, our brains are wired to seek out attention and to respond. So, when we choose to ignore a “bid for attention”, we are going against our very biology.
Now, I am making this blog very short today because I simply want to get this idea out right now.
I want you to understand that ignoring or using silence in response to a “bid for attention”, is not the correct response.
If someone says something that you don’t like, the only right thing to do is to respond.
If someone says something you do like but feel embarrassed about, the only, right thing to do is to respond.
There are advanced communication tools such as Non-violent Communication and the Feedback Wheel and others that can be used when we don’t know what to day. These tools give the speaker a way to communicate without attack. I also add that the speaker needs to connect with their authentic self, set boundaries, speak from the “I”, and then speak.
I have been called a relationship and communication expert because I have mastered the ability to empower 2 to 100 people who are in conflict to restore harmony.
I have a 4-step process that I use that involves having all parties connect with their authentic self, which means connect with their heart, mind, body and feelings. Then I teach them about boundaries, speaking from the “I” and then being willing to listen from their authentic self.
I will gladly send you templates with the communication techniques I mentioned above and will also send you the steps I have created for my Global Harmony ministry if you contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
But for now, please get this: Silence is a way of communicating that harms the world, it can harm the one who doing a “bid for attention, but ultimately it harms the one using silence. When we choose to ignore or not respond, it usually means that we have gone into our minds and have chosen judgment over an authentic response. When we choose silence, we have missed the opportunity to genuinely connect with another. When we connect with another authentically (remember on all levels of our being), we are helping create world peace.