FIGHT, FLIGHT, FALL, or FINESSE
There is so much talk lately about getting what we want by
FIGHTING.
This is especially true in politics. The 2 sides are so polarized now and the Democrats continually say that the only way to get what they want is to FIGHT.
I would like to propose an alternative.
I will mention the 2nd and 3rd ways of dealing with conflict, that of Flight and Fall at the end of this article.
For now, the way that will bring about Harmony and oneness in our world, the way that we can get at least some of what we want is the action of FINESSE’.
Finesse can be defined as:
“An Intricate and refined delicacy” or “An artful subtlety
typically that is needed for tactful handling of a difficulty”.
Is this not a wonderful definition? And I am going to suggest how you may discover this “artful subtlety”.
Mark Nepo is his book, FINDING INNER COURAGE, pg, 214 explains this “artful subtlety” in the following way:
“Each time I muster the fortitude to face a truth about life, about myself, about the messy complexity of relationships I live in; it enables me to stand more soundly and clearly by my core. In turn, each time I inch closer to my core, my ability to see and face things in the world deepens, strengthens, and clarifies. And, so on. This dynamic is how we know where we stand and what is possible between us. This is where the life of courage leads.”
This artful subtlety is about connecting to the Truth of who we are and then standing from this core of truth. This inner core of truth is the only reality we can have. If we are connected here, we know our feelings, and our thoughts, our perceptions and needs. We know our passions, our dreams and our bottom lines. When we are connected at this level, we are empowered to say “yes” to that which resonates with our core, our true self, and “no” to that which does not resonate. When we are connected at this level, we do not need to “fight it out”, we can simply stand in our truth and say what works and what does not. The art of Finesse, does mean that we are willing to SAY, what we think, feel or believe. But we speak respectfully and from our own truth and we invite the other to do likewise.
It is this simple. And, when we step out of the reality of our own truth, we are no longer operating in reality. We are operating in an “alternate or fake reality” that has no basis in fact. This is why our world is so confusing at this time; because so many people have abandoned their own truth and either try to live in someone else’s reality, which by the way, is impossible or they try to assume they know the “truth” for everyone. Many people love to abandon themselves and try to glue themselves onto someone else because they can abdicate all responsibility for their life and expect the “other” to do it for them. Of course, no one can live our life except ourselves. The sad truth about this is that many people die without ever having lived their own life.
So, what I am saying today is this:
When we find the courage to connect with ourselves and own our feelings, thoughts, perceptions, history, needs and desires, everything changes. From this place of inner connection and therefore, inner integrity, we have choice.
We can choose what is best for ourselves and when we do this, we have an inner response that enables us to want to support others to do what is best for them. Then, when we are gathering together from a place of integrity, solutions seem to magically come to mind. We find ourselves wanting to give a little to get a little. We may even find ourselves wanting to give more.
Jesus talked about this gathering together in integrity like this:
“Where 2 or more are gathered, there I am in the midst of them”……….
As a Unity Minister, we interpret scripture metaphysically which means we ask what this means within ourselves. So, we ask what the Christ within is saying. So, when we gather with another from the Christ Spirit within or from the place of love within, (it does not matter what we call this inner wholeness), we automatically can begin to see the one we gather with from a place of honor, love and respect. This is really our true nature. This is a birthright given to humans. We have the ability to live our lives from our Higher functioning brain or what I affectionately call the “Wizard Brain”. The survival brain that we have in common with reptiles is known as the reptilian brain, and I affectionately call this the “lizard brain”. The lizard brain does not want to respect the other. It does not want to gather in love with the other. It knows that in order to survive, we must sort people into the “good tribe” and the “bad tribe”. Thus, when we feel the need to FIGHT, we are operating out of the lizard brain and at this level, NO ONE WILL EVER WIN. We are living from a zero sum game.
But when we choose to FINESSE, we are choosing that “artful subtlety”, we are choosing to connect with our truth and also willing to be with the other as they connect with their inner truth. We are willing to negotiate and compromise. And, from this place, miracles occur, and it is the only true place of reality.
Let us look at the other 2 options.
FLIGHT.
When we choose to flee, we are choosing to abandon ourselves and also the other. We are so afraid of standing in our own truth that we simply leave either literally or even psychologically. We have all heard the phrase, “All the lights are on but no one is home”. This applies to one who has chosen to abandon their truth and simply give up.
This person, when in this stance, is a dangerous person because they simply don’t care what the other wants because they don’t care about what they want. A prime example of fleeing in this age of social media is to disagree with someone’s text, or voice mail, email or other electronic messages by simple “deleting it”. They are afraid to speak their disagreement so they just avoid the whole communication process. A person who has chosen “flight” as their favorite way of interacting in the world will often forget their phone is off even when they are expecting a message, they will often forget to turn the ringer on, they will often not agree with someone and rather than connect to their truth and respond, they simply put the message in the trash. They often say they are choosing to not engage in conflict, but in reality, they are giving into their fear of connecting with their truth and speaking it and are choosing to just “delete the message”. They think they are doing this from a place of power and in reality it is from a place of cowardly weakness.
In my life, I would rather deal with someone who chooses to
FIGHT
Because at least there is someone in the house with the lights on even if they are not ready to
FINESSE.
If someone is still engaged, albeit ready to Fight; if even one other person is trying to Finesse, this very action will have an effect on the one who is thinking they need to fight. This idea flows from the idea I mentioned earlier that Jesus talked about when he said “when 2 or more gather…………….”. But it often only takes one person who is willing to gather. This willingness is from a stance of vulnerability and this stance can have a dramatic affect on one who trying to fight.
Let’s now look at the strategy I am calling: FALL
When we choose to fall, we are falling into our old family of origins scripts. These scripts reflect how we adapted as a child, whether being the Hero, the Rebel, the lost one or any other combination of these adaptations. These scripts are so powerful that some people NEVER break out of the grip of these scripts.
When someone chooses to Fall into their old script, they think they are safe. But in reality, they have also abandoned the truth of who they are for a NON-stance. They are not living from who they are but from how they adapted in childhood in order to survive.
In closing, I invite all of us who want to be a part of a world that chooses Harmony and Oneness to be willing to connect with our own truth and stand for this truth. This type of stance, that of standing for one’s truth, is the only real way to live. It is the only way that can bring world peace.
And, when we choose to live this way, we are in integrity. We are being the ONE we have come here to be. We are inviting others to do the same.
This is my stance and from this stance, I do believe that Goodness will prevail in our world and Miracles will happen. I am gathering with like minded people over the next few weeks. It is all that I can do.
And no matter what happens, I will know that I stood for truth that is within me and that I have invited those that I gather with to also stand for their truth and it is from this place that we create peace, harmony and oneness.