~Stand by me, NOT on me~
If the only way you can be seen is to give yourself away, what good it is to be seen?
If the only way you can be “loved”, is to meet all of their needs first, when will it ever be your turn?
If the only way to be supported is to let them stand on you,
how long can you hold them up before you fall down?
This article is about many people and it may be about you. Although, you may also be the one who did the “taking” and “standing upon”, as opposed to the one who gave endlessly until she or he was at risk of being all used up.
Both positions are unhealthy, and for one person to take, the other has to be willing to give
For one person to be stood upon, they must be willing to let the other stand on them.
Both positions represent ½ of an unhealthy co-dependent dance that many humans do in relationship.
The topic for today’s blog came to me after I encountered for about the 10th time this month, the following thoughts from my client’s mouths.
Here are the thoughts as expressed by my many clients, with the words changed to protect identity:
* I agreed to do this activity with him even though it was not my first choice and then when I asked for a little flexibility on when I would do it, he became verbally abusive.
*I have been supporting his career now for 20 years by working full time while also doing all of the house-work and child care and now that I have lost my job, he is also “firing” me.
* Our agreement is that I work full time while she agrees to do the house work and yet she complains that I won’t help with the cleaning on the weekends.
*I need some time to go to the gym like he does, and when I ask, he says” sure, go ahead”, but is not willing to take care of the kids so I can do this.
*There is something really creepy about the similarities between him and D. Trump but I can’t put my finger on how this could be.
The relational dynamic that I am talking about in my opening comments and what I have heard clients talking about represents a couple’s “dysfunctional dance” that is known as “ 1-up and 1-down”.
Pia Mellody, internationally known author, lecturer and workshop presenter talks about this dynamic as the dance between a Love Avoidant and Love Addict.
This particular dysfunctional dance is created by both partners in childhood. The love avoidant experiences the love they receive from their parents as toxic and so they actually “avoid” true intimacy by avoiding their partner’s needs and focusing on getting their needs met exclusively.
The Love Addict experienced the love they received from their parents as sometimes there and sometimes not, setting up a need in them for more of what at times seemed good. (Please read Mellody’s book on Love Addiction for an-depth exploration of this stance that is so common in relationships).
Whether you see yourself as the Addict or the Avoidant, it is important to understand that one position cannot exist without the other. That is, the one who seems to take more or stand upon the other more, cannot do this unless the one they take from or stand upon is willing to over-give.
The one who seems to over-give does this in hopes of someday having the other give back. This will NEVER happen unless they stop over-functioning or over-giving. Again, this is a dysfunctional dance that requires two partners.
The one who over-gives needs to say to themselves, “if I don’t stop this, soon, there will be nothing left of me”. They have to realize that Who they are is as valuable as anyone else in the world. They have to realize that they deserve to “receive as they give”.
The one who over-gives is usually the one in the dance that has to stop the pattern first. For the one that is under-giving likes to receive without giving. It can “seem” to feel so good to get without giving that unless they become conscious about the inequality in the relationship, they will keep on getting without giving. I say “seem”, because I would say that most people, if they really think about it, will see that it is not right or fair to get without giving. This violates the Law of Giving and Receiving, which can be a topic for another blog on another day.
In summary, the way to stop this dysfunctional dance of 1-up and 1-down is for one (or both) partners to decide to first connect to their own truth and to invite the other to do this as well.
Then, the two (or more, no matter how many are in the group, these steps always apply), must agree that one is not better than or less than the other. There must be an agreement that equality between both sides reigns supreme and though each side is entitled to their own truth; there is no supreme TRUTH for everyone. However, as each shares their own truth, we approach the possibility that Happiness and Harmony can be touched and experienced.