Grandiosity vs. Shame
There is a lot of reporting these days about how arrogant Donald Sterling, soon to be former owner of the L A. Clippers was in his comments that sounded so racist.
I personally agree with the disciplinary actions that were taken against him
However, the purpose of this blog is not to have a discussion about the rightness or wrongness of what he did or the rightness or wrongness of the disciplinary actions that have been taken against him.
The purpose today is look at what in the world could cause this man to speak the way he did about the players of the team he owned.
That is, I am going to examine what causes someone to make these types of remarks.
Plain and simple Donald Sterling was being arrogant and grandiose or going “1-up”.
People use this little trick of going “1-up” because they are feeling “1-down”. Whereas “1-up” has to do with arrogance and grandiosity, “1-down” has to do with feeling less than others or in other words, feeling a sense of shame or that there is something wrong with them.
Feeling shame or having a belief that there is something wrong with oneself does not feel good. It feels horrible. So, humans have learned that a quick antidote to this is to find a way to feel “better than”. This is a quick and temporary fix and it does nothing to solve the problems that create these negative beliefs about oneself and others. Children learn these impotent techniques from their parents, their caretakers, aunts, uncles, teachers and virtually most of the adults that they must hang out with.
In essence, they are not taught to feel “equal to” all others. They are taught in big and small ways that “the big gun wins”. They are taught that the goal in life is to continually find others to make yourself feel “better than” rather than to discover your own self worth and to live life from this place of being one’s authentic self.
When one does choose to live their life from their authenticity, it is really quite easy to also accept that others have the right to do this as well. And, or however, when someone is behaving “1-up” or “1-down”, they are being inauthentic and this does not mean that we need to go “1-up” into judgment or “1-down” in to shame.
We can stay in the awareness that we are all “equal” and this actually does wonders for any one person or group going into grandiosity or shame.
Again, the truth is this : NO MATTER WHAT STATION IN LIFE ANYONE OCCUPIES, NO MATTER WHAT RACE OR GENDER THEY ARE, NO MATTER WHAT SOCIO-ECONOMIC STATUS ONE IS AT: WE ARE ALL EQUAL.
If we would be willing teach our children this right now, our world’s problems could be solved in 5 years. If we choose to believe this right now, our world views will change to believing that the challenges we face are problems that everyone must work together to solve.
And, if someone has more resources, or more awareness or more intelligence, then they will use their awareness and resources to take more responsibility to solve the problems. This may sound like “radical thinking” to some. It is not. It simply reflects the truth that the air I breathe, and the water I drink comes from the same place that the air you breathe and the water you drink and we must work together to make sure the supply for both of us stays healthy.
Suzanne Carter, M.A., L.P.C.,
*Licensed Professional Counselor in CO, WA and MI
*Equine Assisted Psychotherapist
*Certified Spiritual Intelligence Coach
*Certified with The Grief Recovery Institute
*Specialties in Marriage, Family, Adults and Children.
720-540-6738