There is a problem in our world today and the problem is not that the world seems to be having more and more challenges every day in every way. The problem is that these challenges and problems whether they are due to loss of health or life or the loss of a job or massive stress or whatever they may be due to; the problem is that humans do not know how to be present to a loved one, a friend, a co-worker, a family member or even a neighbor. Most humans do one of the following things when another human is going through a challenge, big or small.

1. Ignore the person because after all the person with the challenge does not want to talk about it

2. Give the person advice about exactly how to solve the problem

3. Become very judgmental and tell the person with the challenge that it is somehow their fault.

4.Talk about the person with the challenge to everyone but the person having the challenge

5.Become quite distraught because they do not know how to fix the problem for the other person.

I will address each of these things that people do in a quick and succinct way because I am sure you have most likely experienced these things and most likely you have done them. Then I will tell you the very best thing you can do at anytime and anywhere no matter what your skill level is.

1. Ignoring the person and assuming they don’t want to talk about it is simply wrong. The truth is most people do want to talk about the issue they are going through but they simply cannot find someone who will simply be present to them without judgment and advise. The reason that most people do not talk to  the one going through the challenge( who will be referred to now as the Challengee is that they simply do not know what to say because the problem’s of the challengee bring up their own unsolved problems. Or worse, the Challengee is having a lot of painful feelings about their situation and the non-challengee  is at risk of also feeling these feelings and because they don’t want to feel these feelings, they just stay away.  TRAGIC, is this not?

2. Giving the challengee advise is also one of the worst things to do.  When we simply give people advise, we are actually only giving them the message that we believe that they don’t have the common sense or wisdom to know how to solve their own problems. However, in almost all cases, we give others advise so we don’t have to feel our own feelings around our problems OR we don’t want to feel our own helplessness around the challengee’s problems.  There is a time to give advise. The time is when we have asked the challengee if they would like to hear how we dealt with a similar challenge. If we ask and the challengee says YES, then we are free to offer limited advise as long as we do not expect the challengee to take the advise. If the challengee does not want advise, the only thing to do is to say, ” I am here for you no matter what and I know that you can solve this problem. I will be right beside you all the way”.

3.When we become judgmental toward the challengee, again, we are doing this to avoid our own feelings. I had my bike stolen earlier this year, and it has been a challenging year to begin with and when I told a good friend whom I had hoped would just empathize, she began telling me why it was the fault of the person whose garage my bike was stored in. This was ridiculous to say to me AND, it did nothing to help me feel better, it only reinforced the facts that I was mostly alone in dealing with this loss.

4.To gossip about the challengee to everyone but the challengee is  a disgusting thing that we humans love to do. I don’t need to say anything else about this except to say that we all know how it feels to be gossiped about.

5. The idea of taking responsibility for someone else’s problems and then becoming distraught about it is often what parents do around their adult children.  All this does is to alienate the challengee because the challengee needs someone to care and be present and not to take responsibility unless, of course, there is some responsibility to be taken.

~Finally, here is what you should do instead of the above 5.

All you need to do is be willing to be present in love to the challengee. What this looks like is to open your eyes wide, orient your body toward the person, open your ears wide and close your mouth tight. Then pretend your face is a huge heart that is opening to love in all of it’s beauty and transforming qualities. In this, you are letting the challengee know they are not alone, that you do not judge them or need to fix them and that you see them as capable and filled with wisdom. If you do this, then you become filled with love and compassion and because of the Mirror Neurons in our brains( please google mirror neurons if you are not sure what this is), the challengee will also become filled with love and compassion and miracles will begin to occur for the challengee and this will occur because of your willingnesss to be present in mind, body, heart and spirit.  Then ask the challengee to tell you about the problem, how it happened, how they feel and what they are hoping to do about the problem. When they pause, look at them in love, then you may reflect to them what you heard an then ask them what else they need to say.  This is it. How easy is this?  This reminds me of an earlier blog I wrote when I quoted the words to a song:  In a simple way I love you~

My next blog will be about how  my horse  is drawn into love others and how you can become a magnet for love if you choose.  You are “gonna love it”!