Are you LISTENING?

Can you HEAR me?

If you can HEAR me when I am speaking and not listening to what you are thinking (therefore judging), about me and my situation, then you are listening and:

Our HEARTS are beginning to beat with the same rhythm.

There is a difference between hearing with our ears and listening with our heart.

I am calling the latter “HEARTFUL listening”.

When we choose to listen with our heart without judgment, we do not need to know what to say. In fact, often few words are necessary in order to truly connect.

Mark Nepo, World renowned Poet, author, lecturer, college professor, (and the greatest spiritual teacher of this time in my opinion), reports:

Two heart cells from 2 different people when placed in a Petri Dish will begin to beat with the same rhythm.

Is this not a precious miracle?

And if 2 “body-less” cells have the ability to connect with one another and beat in Harmony with one another, then surely, 2 humans who are contained in the miraculous vessel that we call the body can also learn to create a space where their heart cells can connect and bear in Harmony.

It simply begins with Willingness:

~Willingness to know and to honor that my truths, perceptions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs are part of me and I am entitled to them.

~Willingness also to know and honor that your truths, perceptions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs are part of you and you are also entitled to them

~ When two people find this Willingness to speak and listen to these truths, perceptions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs, they are creating the space for their hearts to begin to beat in Unison.

If two people are willing to communicate in this manner, there is a wonderful communication tool that they can use to facilitate perfect harmony. This tool is called the “feedback wheel”, and has been used and taught by very famous relationship theorists such as Pia Melody, John Bradshaw, Terry Real and many more.  This tool is used by most relational therapists who are teaching their clients how to communicate. Here is the tool and a brief description on how to use it.

Feedback Wheel

This tool enables those who use it to take responsibility for his/her actions, thoughts, and emotions and ask for what he/she needs. In all relationships, each person must be willing to know what they want and must be willing to ask for what they want.

The feedback wheel has four steps:

1. What you saw or heard about the event in question. This step can be described as “just the facts”.
2. Your perception about the situation.
3. How you feel about it.
4. What you would like to have happen in the future. What your request is.

The  first step requires that you stick to the FACTS–the observable behaviors of both you and your partner. This step enables a person to be objective and it needs to be done after one has calmed down and can speak rationally. When one is calm it enables them to set a positive or at least a neutral tone for the conversation. When one is calm, they can speak from their perspective using the “I”. This step enables the speaker to be unbiased and non-blaming which helps the listener to be open to what is being said as opposed to feeling the need to be defensive and thus not be able to truly listen in that “heartful manner”.

The second step is the speaker’s subjective interpretation of the facts. In this step, one identifies what the other’s behaviors means to them personally. They must be willing to say how they interpreted what they saw the other do and/or say that the behavior triggered pain, anger, sadness, etc within them.

In this step, the speaker takes responsibility for how they interpreted the event. In this step, each person is taking ownership of their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions and actions.

Step three has the speaker identify how they felt about the action that is being discussed. To summarize the first three steps:

1. there were the facts of the situation {e.g., we went to that party, we were standing talking to our two friends, you said such-and-such, and everyone laughed}.
2. Second, there was your interpretation of the facts {e.g., when you said that, I took it to mean  this}.
3. Third is your acknowledgement of how it made you feel {e.g., because I took it to mean  this, I THEN felt resentful and hurt}. It’s important to stop and differentiate between feelings and beliefs here since we often state beliefs when we say, “I feel.” Example:

Belief:  It made me feel as though you thought I was stupid.

Feeling:  It made me feel shameful/sad/angry.

Beliefs are interpretations–and they can often be construed as blaming. Feelings are the actual emotions you felt in the situation–what came up for you in the moment.

The fourth, and final, step invites change but it does so clearly–with specific actions. It also requires that you ask for what you need. Your partner may have hurt you but the punishment isn’t that he/she must magically guess what needs to happen in the future. That’s still your job. You got upset, yes. And you’d like your partner to make you feel better, sure. But ultimately we are each responsible for making ourselves feel better.  You are responsible for moving beyond your hurt and asking your significant other what he/she can do to help you in that process.

This tool, when mastered is a magical tool. When I use it correctly, I am seen as a person that is clear and concise. I am seen as a person that is helping bring forth Harmony in our world. When I use it, people unconsciously know that I am a safe person. Clarity, self-responsibility, safety all work together to allow 2 different heart cells to beat together.