My Mom has Alzheimer’s and I feel very:

SAD

As I was cleaning under the guest bathroom cabinet, I found 4 bottles of hair spray; one can of Right Guard deodorant, 2 bottles of Jergens body lotion and one container of anti bacterial soap. These were all left here by mom 4 years ago, the last time she was at my home. She left them here so she would not have to bring them the next time she came. My Mom liked to make sure she had basic essentials. My mom won’t be back to use them. I had to put them back under the sink, I can’t discard these things that she held at this time. Though I know she won’t ever be back to use them; I am not ready to completely accept this.

My Mom has Alzheimer’s and I feel very:

GRATEFUL

I have a child’s little purse that is in the shape of a poodle hanging on my bedroom door. I also have another just like this in my office. These things were given to me by my mom 2 Christmases ago. This was the last time she was able to know Christmas was coming and that she wanted to put together large boxes of Christmas gifts to mail to her family members who lived out of town. That year, there was a bit of curiosity as to why she would send these to me; a little bit of laughter by family watching me open these. I did not laugh though. I thought this could be the last year she sends gifts and so I felt the love with which she gave me these poodle purses. I felt the love and felt her love for me.

One Christmas over 33 years ago, I was not able to go home for Christmas, I was not yet married and I worked at Silent Unity (Unity’s 24 hour prayer ministry) and therefore could not get time off for Christmas.

I was all alone that year and to make it a nice Christmas, my mom sent me the large box of gifts that she always sent and this particular year, she bought me a little artificial tree with decorations to trim it with, including lights and tinsel. I cannot give this tree away, nor can I give the poodle purses away knowing she held them and sent them to me with great love.

My Mom has Alzheimer’s and I feel very:

FRUSTRATED

I would say nearly 95 %+ of the people I tell that my mom has this horrid disease do not know what to say or do. So, they do what all humans do who when faced with a feeling that surely comes up when someone tells them something so sad. They look away, and then walk away and complete ignore what I just said. They don’t know how to fix this, so they walk away. All I or anyone would want them to do is to say something like this:

“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that; how are you feeling about this?”

Let me repeat this, All one ever needs say about this or any other challenge that someone is dealing with is:

“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that; how are you about this?”

I don’t think anyone has ever asked me this. They recall all of the stories they have heard about this horrid disease and so they figure they cannot possibly know what to say; after all they can’t fix it, so they walk away.

My Mom has Alzheimer’s and I feel very:

SCARED

No one knows how long her disease will last. No one knows how it will affect her and how she will eventually breathe her last breath.

My mom loved to have fun, she loved being with people and laughing. She grew up relatively poor monetary wise but she was rich in her family connections. I learned a lot about my mom and relationships by watching her with her family members when I was a very young child. They were always laughing and joking. A fun evening was an evening of simply being together in laughter and JOY.

My Mom has Alzheimer’s and I feel very:

COMPLETE

This may seem odd that I would say this but as a grief counselor with the Grief Recovery Institute in California, I have learned that it is important to stay current and present with one’s feelings. I have learned that if you have something to say to someone, say it NOW! Don’t wait because you never know when the last conversation with someone will be. We humans tend to put off what we need to say, whether it is “positive” or “negative”. This is a grave mistake. Saying what is in our minds and hearts in a clear and non-attacking way has so many benefits but two main benefits are these:

1. When we speak our truth in love without attack, we are adding clarity to a world that so often seems chaotic. Speaking our truth in love without attack lets the world know who we are and where we stand. And, when we speak this way, we can walk away knowing we did our part to move a relationship forward.
3. When we speak our truth in love without attack, we are trusting that the person to whom we are speaking has the ability to listen to what we say and respond in kind. This type of trust enables the other person to show up and also add clarity to the world. If the other person is not able to speak in love without attack, at least they know that we are safe and willing to hear them if or when they decide to communicate.

I said I feel complete with my mom because I have said to her all that I need to say up to this point. This does not mean that I have nothing left to communicate to her. I talk with her every 2 or 3 or 4 days. However, the conversations now are mostly about this very moment and not about much from the past. But I do know that she knows I love her and I am grateful for all that she did for me and she also knows this. I still write her letters and tell her that I love her and list the many things I am grateful for and she understands this in this now moment and then she will forget until I tell her again. She knows that I am a safe person and she trusts me.

Though, I have always been the type of person that communicates, the two things that have helped me most in communicating in all of my relationships are the steps in the Grief Recovery Method( see www.Griefrecoverymethod.com), and the steps in the Feedback Wheel. The Feedback wheel is a communication technique that when mastered, enables someone to know how to communicate in love without attack. It is amazing.

The Feedback Wheel includes four steps:

1. What you saw or heard about the event in question.
2. Your Perception about the event in question.
3. How you feel about it and in this step, when you say, “I feel”, you follow the word feel with a feeling word
4. Your request.

Though it takes a bit to master this, the steps are actually quite simple. If you want an expanded version of if you want coaching on how to use this, please contact me at equinelites@aol.com

www.UnityWholenesscenter.com