You and Your Teen: Friend, Foe or Parent

By Suzanne Carter, M.A., L.P.C.

Ideally, always the parent. Parents should have their own friends.

Foe——–we are not meant to be a foe, but when we are punishing, judging, being adversarial or managing, we are more like a foe than a loving parent

Parents: consultant. Providing an atmosphere for them to be aware o the One they are and always will be (defn of function in family) needs are important,

Are you feeling confused these days about what role you should play in helping your teenager grow up so that they can become all that they are meant to be? If so, you are not alone. Truly our teens are facing a vastly different world than the one we faced when we were young. For example, most teens I meet including my son and his friends are quite clear about what political party they most fit into and are very aware of all the challenges that our planet is facing on a global level. Think back to when you were a teen: Did you know whether you were a Republican or a Democrat. Were you aware of problems in our environment, our world economy, our heath care crisis? We were not aware of them because it was not necessary back when we were teens to be so aware of these global problems.

Today, it is imperative that our teens are aware of at least some of these issues because these problems, if they are to be solved, must have deeply aware and sensitive leadership at the helm. This kind of leadership is developed over a period of time and for many teens, the ones who will become our nations’ leaders; the development of this leadership begins now.

So, how on earth do we parent our teens?

First of all, we need to know that the most important thing we must do is be there for them as their parent. The idea that our teens need us to be their friend is very selfish as far as the parent goes and it inhibits the growth of our teens. Our teens need us to be their parents, now and forever more. The notion that we can be friends with them now or when they get older is out-dated and is NOT what they need now OR in the future. However, the kind of parent they need us to be is much different than the kind of parent we were to them before they entered the world of Teenager. As Michael Riera, PhD., tells us in his book, Staying Connected to Your Teen,
we need to let go of the managerial role and become a consultant. What does this mean? As a consultant, we are not managing every detail in their lives anymore, but we are always there to guide them through all the challenges they are facing. When they have problems, they are far more likely to come to us or at least be willing to share some of their process, if they know that we will simply reflectively listen to them and help them find their own answers. If we don’t do this now for them, and continue to micro-manage their life, they will not be prepared to go out in to the world and be successful. They will have to continue going through a period of adolescence into their twenties and learn by trial and error without a loving, consulting parent there with them, holding a safety net that will enable them to safely fall but be able to stand back up and learn from their mistakes while still in the nest.

Further, the idea that they need us to be their friend is simply propelled by the adult who has not developed the skills necessary to find their own friends. I know this sounds harsh, but it is the truth. When a parent has their own support system with friends, this is wonderful modeling for the teen. Plus, the teen learns that it is not their job to “be there” for their parent. Their job is to grow up with the awareness that their needs are important, and they are good person and deserve to have their need met. If we do our jobs right, we will have taught them 3 very important things: 1. what their needs are. 2. How to meet their needs 3. The courage to take the action necessary so that their needs can be met. This can only be accomplished if we are there as their parent and not as a person who needs them to be there for us.

Finally with regard to being parent or friend; in life we will always face challenges. This fact will never change and wouldn’t it be wonderful to always have that loving, consulting parent available to us no matter what happens. I believe this can only come about if we are willing to have our own friends and our own support system, and thereby teach our teens that being connected to others is an essential part of living a successful life.

Now I would like to discuss why I put “Foe” in the title of this article. Though it is true that 80 to 95% of all parents would not want to be considered a foe to their teens; if the parent is not careful they can be “experienced” as a foe. Webster’s defines foe as: as enemy, rival, antagonist or opponent. When we are not willing to negotiate with our teen we are often seen as the enemy. WE need to say YES as much as possible, or at least be willing to compromise and negotiate. When we continually say NO, we are teaching them that the “big gun” wins. This only breeds anger and contempt and certainly does not help our teens grow up to be all that they are capable of becoming.

My definition of a “functional” family, as opposed to a dysfunctional family has several parts. First the parents are able to provide an environment where the child is able to experience himself as a wonderful human being, with unique gifts and talents. Ideally, each child is “seen” as the ONE that they are and never in the world will there be another like them. Second, the child is able to grow up with the awareness that his or needs are important and be taught how to meet these needs. Two and a half: The child also realizes that others needs are just as important, and when conflict arises between the needs of one and another, compromise needs to happen. Third, the child’s environment at home is fair. That is, when the child does something wrong or makes mistakes that he experiences natural consequences. (More on these later). Further, when the child uses his or her growing skills and talents, and is successful, he or she needs to receive positive feedback about their success. Finally, a functinal family knows that problems are meant to be solved and not endured. The most dysfunctional aspect of a dysfunctional family is that they do not know how to solve problems. (In a later article, I will discuss the most important ingredient that is necessary in order to really solve problems so that they become a new foundation for the one to stand on once they sole the challenge.)

The good news about consequences theses days is that most parents are familiar with this type of discipline. That is, most parents have moved away from the notion that when a teen makes a mistake, that they must be punished. The notion that positive discipline is the way to go is the way most parents want to discipline. Discipline means “giving life to learning”. In a sense, the child or teen is a “disciple” of the parent whose only goal is to facilitate the awareness that all problems are created so that we can solve them and become better people as a result of having the willingness and the courage to solve the problem rather than to ignore it, endure it or blame others for it’s presence.

This is where natural consequences are so important. A natural consequence is what naturally follows when we make a mistake. The concept is as simple as this: When you cut your hand, you bleed. When you touch a hot stove, you experience pain. Sometimes, they are hard to figure out. But in most cases, if we as parents deal with our own anger about the mistake the teen made first and then fairly discuss the problem with our teen, all members of the family will see clearly what the consequence is. For example, if a teen steals something from another person, they need to return the item and deal with the sense of betrayal the other person experienced. If our teens don’t do their homework and get lower grades, then the grades must take priority over other activities until the grades come back up. However, some parents become too legalistic about this
and actually call a punishment a “natural consequence”. For example, if a teen is about to go to the state finals in any given sport and their grades go down, to take away going to the state finals would not be a natural consequence, it would be a punishment. The key is to see if the consequence is giving life to their learning or is it causing harm to their self –esteem.

In summary, a good question to ask yourself when you are parenting your teen is this: “Would the discipline I am using give my teen more awareness or less awareness that the world is a fair place?” The world is a fair place, where we should be able to connect with the best place within ourselves and then live from that center. We can help our teens do this by being the parent they need and deserve, not their friend or foe.

Suzanne Carter has been a child, family and adult psychotherapist for over 25 years. She is in the process of getting her book; All Children are Gifted; Raising Spiritually Aware Kids, published. You may reach her at The Unity Center for Spiritual Wholeness at 720-540-6738