DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DANCE?
There is something that almost all non-human creatures do and most human creatures do if they want to be in relationship.
*Birds do it
*Lizards do it
*Lions do it
Dolphins do it.
*Dogs and horses do it very well, and again, most humans try to do it.
What they do, is IF they want to be in relationship they find a pattern where, pre-supposing they want to be in relationship with a certain person, they stay connected to that person, even when in times of need for more space, they still maintain a connection so when they find themselves in need for connection, the person they want to be in relationship is still there.
That is, they take actions to make sure that there is still a connection when they come back. If they have taken these actions to make sure the connection is still there, the person is waiting for them.
It is a little dance, and, it is something that most creatures do naturally.
The humans that don’t do it are in most cases living out of a survival adaptation that they learned in childhood. This Survival adaptation is wired into their brain, their lizard brain that tells them: “I am all alone, no one will ever be there for me so I cannot trust anyone and I must take all I can from my partner because that is the game of life and love”. This person appears to be arrogant and grandiose. This person also has adapted by only ever making their needs important in a relationship. So, when they decide they need closeness, they expect that the other person will be there or they often resort to emotional, physical, spiritual, financial or mental violence toward the other. Their motto in life is: I am all alone, I must take care of myself and it does not matter what the effect is on the other. These types of people never act according to the natural laws of relationship as described in the first paragraph.
This person in childhood learned that relationships are just too painful to even invest in. These are the kinds of people who leave their spouse, after many years of marriage because they decided the relationship was no longer worth the effort of pretending they want to be there. This kind of person is the type that will leave their spouse after their spouse supported them while they got an advanced degree. The supporting spouse was under the impression that by supporting their spouse, when said spouse got the degree, that the degree would lead to a better paying job and that this sacrifice of being the main bread-winner would pay off.
When the supported spouse decides they can leave, they simply cannot understand the problem. They will say to their partner in that cliché fashion: “It is not about you”. They are right; it is never about the other. It is only ever about themselves and their needs and their desires and their hopes, wishes and dreams. And, in many cases, they see nothing wrong with this. They have such a myopic view that they can ONLY see their needs and desires.
If this person wants to heal, they need to first deal with the pain from their childhood. Often the parents and caretakers that created a child that only cares about themselves were extremely controlling. The main kind of attention they gave their child was in a controlling manner. They were also very with-holding of all types of affection and love. The parent of this child is also very self-centered and lets their child know in no uncertain terms, that their needs are not important. The child then learns that love relationships are actually loveless. They learn that there is no fairness and all they can do is try to survive until they can one day be in a relationship and do to another what was done to them. Until they deal with this pain from childhood, they will simply become a perpetrator, inflicting on their partner what was inflicted upon them
Pia Melody, internationally famous author, and workshop presenter on relationships suggests that this type of person needs to be willing to stay in the relationship BUT they must know they can set boundaries. That is, instead of always retreating so they can meet their needs, they must be WILLING to stay present and learn to use their words, speaking their needs, listening to the needs of the other and be willing to negotiate. This cannot happen until they deal with the pain they suffered as a child.
Lets look another stance that humans can take in this “un-natural” relationship. This person adapted in childhood by never being there for themselves. They adapted by being there for everyone else. Sadly, this is the type of person that often hooks up with the other type of person described in this article. The grandiose person lives life as if they are “better than” everyone else. The other person lives life as if they are “less than” everyone else. This is a sad arrangement because if the two partners do not become conscious of what is really going on, the one that believes they are less than or shame-based, will spend all of their energy trying to meet the grandiose partner’s needs, thinking that someday, this person will turn toward them and also make their needs important. This will NEVER happen as long as these two remain locked in this un-natural and unconscious dance. And, things often get worse before they get better.
There is a way to heal this. The answer is simple but few choose to heal. The answer is first connect with yourself which means you will have to feel the pain from your childhood that caused you to take on this un-natural adaptation. Then you will have to learn to communicate in a way that is “equal to”. This communication involves “speaking your truth in love without attack and being willing to listen in this manner”. The communication tool called the Feedback Wheel is simple and effective and if you are unfamiliar with this, I will send you a copy if you email me the request at equinelites@aol.com
For now, I invite you to learn to dance the only real and natural relationship dance that almost all nonhuman creatures do and most human creatures do if they want to be in relationship.