The way that our parents showed us love was by meeting our needs. Some parents may have been an expert at this and were able to meet many or most of our needs, and thus we felt loved.

Today, I am suggesting that the way you can show love to your partner or child or neighbor or anyone is to understand a need that they have and find ways to meet this need or to support them in finding the way to meet this need.

John Gottman, internationally famous author, presenter and relationship theorist talked about “turning toward” as a major way to bring fulfillment to our partner. Turning toward is a way of paying attention to our partner.

I am expanding this idea to paying attention or turning toward our partner’s needs. Now certainly, there is no way we can meet all of someone’s needs but we can be willing to meet a need that works for us to meet.

For example, if my partner had a deep desire to go skydiving but I was afraid of heights, I could help this partner meet this need by supporting his or her desire to sky dive by showing interest in this endeavor rather than trying to talk him or her out of it because I was afraid.

I invite you and your partner to do a brain storming session about needs that you have that may be fulfilled by your partner.

Then come up with one or two that each of you agree to work on and make a contract to work on fulfilling this need for the next 21 days.

Finally, it is the little things that truly make one feel loved. So, if you are someone who simply likes your partner to listen to you when you have a challenge, then make a contract that they will do active listening with you for the next 21 days.  Decide ahead of time whether you want them to give you advice after they have listened. If you want their advice, tell them that you would like it but you may or may not follow it.

If you look at John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, you will find the ideas about “Turning Toward”, and he lists many ways you can turn toward which are based on one’s needs ultimately.

Or, you can call me and I can coach you and your partner on how to learn to love each other exquisitely.